The Cost of Cultural Compromise on South Asian Women
It is well known and widely acknowledged that South Asian women and those from most cultures, compromise their well-being, boundaries, career, self-care and more so that their families and dependents can thrive. What makes this disturbing that this is not just acknowledged but very widely accepted in nearly all cultures and societies.
It is needless to state that most of our societies and cultures are patriarchal but I feel I need to state this again to remind you that women are almost always at the bottom. Since we all know this and many of us accept it, we should also become aware of the cost of compromise on the quality of lives women live.
Being a woman, I can tell you my story and what the South Asian culture of compromise has cost me and continues to. I am confident that millions of women and primary care givers can relate to what I have jotted down.
At Home
My home is my refuge, the safest place where I can exist. It is also a place for compromise even though I am extensively supported by my spouse. There is an imbalance that cannot be bridged. If it takes my husband 45-minutes to drive to work every morning, it takes me an hour to go from my bed to my home office desk. Managing and cleaning the house is a one-person job on most days and that person is me. The imbalance is very visible and on most days, only visible to me. A fair question to ask is – why do I take on so much? My answer is a complicated and a traditional one. Because my husband has a fully on-site job, is in a senior position, has a lot to deal with, so I need to support him, irrespective of the fact that I might or might not receive the same support every day. This is so internalized in me that I don’t know any other way of doing things at home. My culture has conditioned me to take on more, to sacrifice my coffee so my husband can have his. What is the cost of this? I lose my grounding for the day as I am exhausted by the time I start my work and the dominoes fall one after the other.
With Family
In most South Asian cultures, girls are brought up differently from boys. While male children are empowered to lead families and become custodians of culture, female children are taught to submit and cheerfully prepare for a life of servitude. These are the complete opposite sides of the same spectrum and it is getting harder and harder to bridge this gap in several cultures and societies. I believe I am fortunate to not have a male sibling as I would have lost even the minimum opportunities of growth I did receive. Not having a male sibling did not mean I was being prepared for a life of leadership, I was still being groomed for a life of everlasting servitude. This grooming has not stopped and continues to this day, where the expectation is that I will overlook my own needs to fulfill the needs of others. I am expected to do this with a smile on my face because culturally, it is a big blessing to be in this position.
Once again, I find myself compromising. Why do I do this? As an educated and empowered woman, it should be easy for me to say no. Unfortunately it isn’t and the reason is cultural conditioning. As a child and as an adult my family has not empowered me to set-up boundaries. Instead, cultural conditioning is why my family has violated my most basic boundaries. My family consists mostly of women who are as culturally conditioned as me, and who have most likely compromised more and continue to compromise throughout their lives. This is why I don’t blame them for violating the boundaries that I can internally recognize by never vocally communicate. We just don’t yet know how to set boundaries and put ourselves first, out of the fear that we will disappoint our families or worse lose them.
In Public Spaces
Always alert, always careful and not doing anything to gain anyone's attention – that’s me. I am so culturally conditioned to maintain a low or invisible profile in public that I won’t even dare meet anyone’s gaze. The paradox here is that my cultural conditioning does not empower me to embrace the world, but is the key to my survival. In my heart and body, I know I don’t want to become an addition to the brutally violent statistics on women and female children. This is why I compromise in public spaces. Allowing men to take up space loudly so I can go unnoticed.
At Work
Yes, here I can report something positive. I no longer compromise or allow my cultural conditioning to stand in my way of growth. It is easier because relationships are straight forward and expectations are clear. I am fortunate to be in professional environments that are empowering and welcoming of ambitious women. In the past, I did compromise but now I have found a voice, the power to say no and set-up strict boundaries. This is the one space I truly thrive in and is my hope for women in every profession and in every home.
This is my rant and my rage and I do feel better writing this. I hope when you read this, you will also feel better knowing you are not alone. We can collectively make changes to our cultural fabric, so the next generation of women are not conditioned to compromise in their safest environments.
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