Why Do We Still Blame the Victim?

I have no answer to this question but there is one out there. Let me give you some context. 

I was recently triggered by a conversation I had with a friend, who recommended that I watch Dancing on the Grave on Amazon Prime Video. The show is a true crime documentary about Shakereh Khaleeli's murder. Along with their recommendation, my friend said “the decisions that the murdered woman took, led to her murder”. I was intrigued and so, I accepted the recommendation and watched the first episode.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t watch the show beyond the first episode and I informed my friend why. I am not sure how other viewers have reacted to the show but from my description, you can see two reactions – firstly one that blames the victim; and secondly, one that triggers someone who has experienced violence in an intimate relationship in a previous life.

Victim blaming is very common and has been written about so much that I find it surprising people are still unaware about the invisible and visible signs of abuse, and the fatality it can potentially cause. I truly believe that no matter what decisions a person takes, they don’t expect or want to be murdered by their spouse/partner.

A decade ago, victims of domestic violence were not only blamed for being victims but also for staying in the abusive relationship. They were almost always only these two outcomes of a conversation about domestic violence victims. Today, the conversations are more contextual and more people are showing empathy, understanding and offering life saving support. I am very thrilled with the effort people are making to educate themselves about this endemic issue and this is why I love Leslie Morgan Steiner’s TedTalk.

Although a lot is being said and done, it is not yet enough. More needs to be done to bring about awareness and actionable support, until no individual has the ignorance or the audacity to blame an abuse victim for her own murder.

I had to learn what love isn’t before finding out what it can potentially be. I would hate for another person to experience this. If you have a human heart, you can do more than watch a show or talk about it. You can spread awareness and take action.

If you know someone who is experiencing abuse in any shape or form, you can:

·       Listen to believe – no matter how unbelievable the abuse sounds, try to believe their reality

·       Check-in frequently, even if they are unresponsive – unresponsiveness does not mean they are ignoring you, it could mean they are being isolated by their abusive partner and don’t have access to their own phone

·       Offer safety – when you check-in, ask them if they are safe, offer them safety or find out where they will be safe

·       Provide resources – resources could be crisis hotlines, support groups and even finances

·       Make a plan – how to get them to safety, how to send them the resources they need

·       Don’t judge – above all, don’t judge their decisions, whether they chose to leave or stay

The decisions a victim of domestic violence or abuse takes are never straightforward and are uncomfortable. You may never understand them and your only role is to support them, with the hope that they will be safe and overcome the adversity they find themselves in.

Let’s stop judging and blaming, and instead take action and provide support.